


The Night Dobby Finally Grew A Pair (Or, Kreacher Likes To Watch)

by FangQueen



Series: The Night Rounds of Snape & McGonagall [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, F/M, House Elves, I don't even take it seriously, M/M, Multi, Please Don't Take This Seriously, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2016-08-18
Packaged: 2018-08-09 14:56:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7806277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FangQueen/pseuds/FangQueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is pure crackfic, and even I, it's author, am terrified by it. Please do not take this a testament to my preferences, nor my writing skills. You've been warned. In the previous round, Prof. Snape mentioned that if the weird sex curse going 'round the castle hit the house elves next, it would be the final straw, and, well...I felt particularly cheeky, and this is the result.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Night Dobby Finally Grew A Pair (Or, Kreacher Likes To Watch)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 08/17/16 edition of The Night Rounds of Snape & McGonagall event--hosted by [HP Hump Drabbles](hp-humpdrabbles.livejournal.com), an LJ comm that posts a weekly drabble round-up on Wednesdays (Hump Day ;D), featuring Harry Potter characters gettin' down and dirty. This event in particular was also weekly through the month of August 2016, posting a combined "round robin" fic of everyone's submissions for that Wednesday, interspersed with Snape and McGonagall catching them in the act during their nightly rounds of the Hogwarts campus. (See the full "round robin" fic for this week [here](http://hp-humpdrabbles.livejournal.com/214503.html).)
> 
> This week's setting prompts  
> ♥ Kitchens***  
> ♥ Great hall  
> ♥ Library
> 
> (*** = the one I used)

“Ah, so she is here. Just as I suspected.”

“Is Kreacher sure about this? Dobby isn’t very sure…”

“You said she liked you, didn’t you?”

“Yes, but--”

“Buck up, boy! Grow some nads and ask her, already.”

As the pair approached her, Winky turned her head and blinked up at them. The fire roaring in the hearth in front of her danced in her big, bright orbs, and Kreacher could tell by the way he started that the sight took Dobby’s breath away. He nudged the younger elf in the ribs and smirked at him ruefully.

“Oh, hello,” she greeted them in her little squeak of a voice. “Winky is just about to have a drink. Is Dobby and Kreacher wanting one?” She gestured to the unopened butterbeer on the floor beside her.

For a moment, Dobby looked about ready to vomit, swaying in his anxiety. After almost a full minute, Kreacher was beginning to wonder if he was ever going to manage to open his gob in the first place. Then:

“W-well, Dobby was...Or Dobby thought, maybe...W-what Dobby’s trying to say is--”

“That he fancies you, and would like to bugger you tonight, if at all possible. That agreeable?”

Now Dobby looked like he would’ve throttled Kreacher if his trembling body would’ve allowed him to. But Winky didn’t quite react the way Kreacher had expected. He’d always thought a prim and proper little elf girl like her would’ve been mortified at the suggestion. On the contrary, she seemed intrigued at the idea, if he was reading her correctly. This may turn out to be more interesting than he thought…

She furrowed her brow a moment, thinking on it, then said, “Master is not letting Winky...But Winky is free now, yes? So Winky is wanting to.”

Dobby practically jumped the poor thing at those words, smashing their mouths together in a horribly inept kiss. Winky tried her best to reciprocate, bless her. Forgetting Kreacher, it seemed, the pair fell onto the floor, Dobby hiking up the skirt of her grubby dress with shaking hands, and Winky poking in fascination at the stiffness that had appeared in his tattered shorts. However, the couple soon recalled that he was there and glanced at him warily. But he’d come to see some action, and by Salazar, he was going to get it. Besides, neither of them knew what in the bloody hell they were doing, and they could use some guidance. He may have been too old to do it himself these days, but he still knew a thing or two.

“Did you think I came all this way just to play matchmaker? Get to it, I’ll tell you what to do,” he barked at them, before easing his aching bones down to sit against the wall, reaching under the filthy sack he wore to take hold of himself as he prepared to watch the show.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos/comments = <3!
> 
> Come find me on [Tumblr](https://ohlookagaydraco.tumblr.com/) and [LJ](http://fangqueen.livejournal.com/) as well!


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